still sad 10 years after divorce

After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. I miss her greatly . The residual anger,. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. I am glad I read this. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. { Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. and special occasions are the hardest. joanne. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. "@type": "Answer", Lest you think thats all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. Will this date ever come without me noticing? Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. "acceptedAnswer": { And sadness. My career has suffered. But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Can you be completely happy after divorce? And apparently, my sadness lingers at moments. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. Thank God I found this. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. My life is so wonderful, so why the sadness; Im mostly content, why the emptiness? Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? I too get sad in these all too often moments Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Our youngest daughters future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, Im sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . Esters comment summed it up beautifully. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. I have had a similar situation. All the you statements are certainly not appropriate. Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. She took the house, my business, my kids my heart and happiness. All Rights Reserved. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. Does he ever think of me? Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. Why isnt that enough? My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. But I really related to the authors comments about how many family traditions especially holiday celebrations have been irrevocably impacted. Its good to see Im not alone. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. So I hope and pray that she sees that Im a different man Ive worked on myself for five years and finally listen to the Lord and except no for a no from somebody . Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. My goals and dreams have suffered. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. Thank you for this article! I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. 2019 Divorced Moms. crying spells. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. I don't know how to stop the regret and guilt!! Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless theyve experienced it. I feel completely abandoned and alone. Ive tried everything to move on, apart from actively seeking another partner. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. My heart remains unresolved. Oh, so difficult! We just arent on the same level. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. I am actually the one who left my husband. She is very busy socially and at work. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see that I fell into it or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other and I am still falling. 21. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. Thank you for this article. Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. A moth named Once-married Underwing (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? Dwelling on what you should have done. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. I feel very lost again. No tool and not even with time repairs. We were supposed to do this together. 2005-2023. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . But I still think what I did, in leaving him was the worst thing I've ever done or will ever do and it absolutely breaks my heart. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! Your piece really spoke to me. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. It is more than enough! Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. I put together this: Ex- had removed $70,000 from her retirement account that never showed up in her interrogatory. Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think Ive worked through it all. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. Thank you for sharing. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. "acceptedAnswer": { Sheila. I accept it. but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. I have tried to date, but it never works out. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. The world wants everyone to be over things. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. I didnt think it would affect me but, it has. Dating the same man again. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasnt enough. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. For people who already live with depression . Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Making choices so the kids like you. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. Done. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. Younger childrenspecifically 5- to 8 . Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. Although it may be different than the one you imagined, after a divorce you do still have a future to look forward to. I did not handle the divorce well. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. I am not a bitter woman. The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. No tool and not even with time repairs. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. "@type": "Question", Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. After he left (she demanded he move in almost straight away) he needed counselling and at one point was close to a breakdown. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. I also recognize my own responses as a function of marital expectations formed in the way I was raised, and my vision for what constitutes family. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. I wa interested in this website. "@type": "Answer", One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. We just needed to voice our shared experience. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. I had so many changes to adjust to. It's important to set some achievable goals. No longer. But the pain of all of it never really went away. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. I just do not what I am frightened of. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness.

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